My Goodbye Letter to ED

ED,

You showed up when I was nine years old. Just a quiet voice in the back of my head. You told me I was fat and I believed you. You told me that others wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t perfect and I believed you. Just a constant quiet reminder.

Then you got louder. You told me I needed to start dieting. You told me that I needed to be thin and beautiful. You told me that no one would love me if I wasn’t. You told me that I needed to be adored by men. You told me that I needed to be in control.

And then the day came that you took control. I handed it over to you and purged. And I have never gotten control back.

I know I am supposed to be thankful for what you have done for me. You have given me a release from the stress of life that I couldn’t control. You have held my hand and helped me get through life in a totally dysfunctional home.

But what you took from me was so much more than that. You have made me feel like I can’t make friends. That no one will like me for me without you behind the scenes. You make me feel scared about trying new things. You have interrupted my life with my husband. You separate me from God. You steal my time, my thoughts, and my energy. You tell me I can’t succeed. You tell me to be afraid wherever I go.

Now I’m tired. I’m too old and tired for you. It’s time for me to move on. I need to have friends that I don’t have to keep this monstrous secret from. I need my husband. I need a relationship with the Lord without the sin you bring. I need time. I need peace. I need energy.

You can see that you bring none of the things that I need. You bring the opposite of what I need. I can’t keep letting you get in the way of ME. I am still in here. You can’t have this body anymore. It’s not yours. You need to go.

RS

A Little Bit About Me

I am in my early thirties and have been battling an eating disorder for almost 20 years.  I had a stint in an outpatient program eight years ago.  Nothing has been enough for me to want to give this up.  Not my family growing up, not my husband, not my baby, nothing.  But something inside of me has longed for change.  I haven't wanted to live like this.

About a year ago, I started counseling again.  I started working through most of the things that were holding me back from recovery.  And after a lot of work and tears and frustration I feel like I am ready to let go of this eating disorder and move on once and for all.  Working through a goal setting program, I put a date on it.  As of tomorrow, April 1, 2010, I want to be symptom-free.  I am so ready for this but it will be difficult because I have been purging daily for months with only a few short breaks.

The title of the blog comes from the Nickel Creek song "Green and Grey".  I can relate so much to the "Green" character in the song.  Pleasing everyone, appearing fine on the outside, but struggling in private.  And I have been the "Grey" character in the song too.  Not showing emotion to those around me.  The truth is, neither side is healthy or were I want to be.  I want to find the middle ground.  To be me without fear.

So as I move forward in this journey, I invite you to follow me.  I welcome advice from those who have come before me, support from those who are walking this journey with me, and hope for those who want to come down this path but are afraid to make the leap.