Adjusting

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.  I have really been trying to figure out what is going on with me.  It has been so strange.  My symptoms really got bad for a bit but now I seem to be coming back around.

I am really struggling with this discovery of the old/new me.  I'm starting to laugh again (I mean really laugh) which is kind of fun but every time I do it I feel funny.  And I'm starting to be a little bit more open and free. 

But the strangest part is that my therapist told me that my eating disorder wouldn't work any more once I reconnected with this part.  The other night I was sitting on the couch after dinner which is the hardest time for me and felt no urges to binge and purge.  It was really strange.  I told my husband that I thought my eating disorder was broken.  It is still there but I finally feel like I have a chance on the road to recovery. :)

Reaching Out

God has really helped me to reach out to people this week in a new way.  I have been able to ask people if they want to have coffee or do something fun.  I am really looking forward to getting to know some of my acquantances better. :)  I know that some of them are going to be a great support system for my recovery.  I was also able to reach out to an acquaintance who is very passionate about Christ and ask him why.  His answers were very insightful and I'm excited to try to apply some of them in my life.

But I am still really struggling with my symptoms.  I feel like the insights I had into my past have brought up a lot of turmoil and I am having a hard time putting it back together.  I am going in for a two hour marathon counseling session today so hopefully that will help clear some things up.  I long for the days of being symptom-free but it is a long, hard road to get there.

Putting Up a Fight

It has been a really hard week.  I feel like I have been fighting for peace.  I feel very uncomfortable trying to connect with this other piece of me that has come up.  Life was cruising along and then, bam!  Right between the eyes.  I feel like I am really subconsciously fighting this piece of me from coming back.  So I have to consciously fight to recognize it when it comes up and to reconnect with it.  I know this is going to make a huge difference in my recovery.  This may be the final piece that I need to get there.  But this has been one of the toughest issues to deal with to date.

Dancing

"You can dance.  It's just that someone told you not to."
-Bill Django (played by Jeff Bridges) in The Men Who Stare At Goats

As little flashes of who I could be are appearing, this line seemed to sum it all up.  I have all of these things that I can't express in words.  But it will come. 

Deep Stuff

I am really writing this because there are a few people (you know who you are) that I'd like to share this with but I couldn't put it into words last night.   But hopefully everyone reading this will get something out of it.  Here is the piece of me that I don't share.

When I was a kid, my parents were very neglectful.  My mom has pretty severe bipolar disorder (now controlled by medication but not then) and my dad was a sex addict (now recovering).  I lived in a very self-centered house where I had to fend for myself a lot. 

I started to notice that the public "me" was widely accepted.  I was successful in school, piano lessons, etc.  But the side of me that I shared only with my family was being rejected.  I put her away.  For a long time.  For 24 years.  And now, I don't know who she is. 

But yesterday in my counseling session I started to get in touch with her.  And I am so confused and scared.  I hear her voice (it's coming from my heart).  I want to let her out but I don't know how.  And who is she - it's scary to let her out!  But I know this is a door that I have to unlock to recover. 

So for now I sit in confusion, fear, uncertainty.  I'm trying to think of ways to embrace her but I don't even know her that well . . .

Too Much

I have decided that I am just one of those people who takes on too much.  I don't know why I do it.  It all sounds like fun and a good idea when I sign up but then I get stressed and overwhelmed.  And if I don't have anything going then I feel like I should.  I can't relax any more! 

When did life get so crazy?  It just snuck up on me.  I really need to learn how to have downtime but I just feel like I don't know what to do with it.

Struggles

I went away for the three-day weekend and ran into a mess of struggles.  I am trying so hard to lean on God for the hard times.  But it is still hard to let Him into the "dirty" places in my life.  Yes, I know He is there but I prefer to ignore Him.  Bad, huh?  Being back at home today and having a normal schedule will help me manage my symptoms.  And I have a busy week which surprisingly can help too.  So here goes.  I am so scared that I will never get past this.  But I know if I keep working a little at a time I will.  It is so hard right now though.