A Bit Better

Things are starting to feel a bit better but I'm just not quite feeling it.  I'm just tired and want to give up on everything.  I'm starting to feel the tide turn back on my business.  The last month has been slow and that is hard.  I feel kind of useless.  This week brought four new leads so I feel somewhat productive again getting bids out.  My husband and I started to reconnect so I feel some peace with that but we have a ways to go.  I just am not feeling it as far as recovery goes yet.  I'm hoping to turn the corner in that respect very soon. 

Back at it

The last few weeks have been very challenging.  I have been pretty depressed.  My marriage has been sucking badly, my symptoms have been bad, and I just haven't seen the point in trying.  I have just pictured fading away into the background and living out the rest of my life quietly and alone.   But here I am back at it.  Sharing all of my struggles with you, loyal readers and friends.  So today is the day that I take it back.  Today is the day that I am starting to try again.  It feels like I am starting from scratch but I know that is not the case. 

I have really been struggling to get anything written lately.  My life is feeling out of control.  My schedule is nuts with no end in sight.  I have made to many promises to too many people and I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

Having rediscovered this piece of myself is so confusing too.  Part of me wants to accept it and part of me wants to reject it.  When I get on autopilot (which is more often than not) I definitely end up rejecting it.  And I wonder where God is in all of this.  I struggle to pray.  I struggle to stop and reflect.  It is just too painful to deal with.  But the truth is, when I do stop to deal with it I always feel better.  I guess it is just fear of the unknown.  I have a big leap of faith to make and I'm stuck on the first step.