Hanging in There

I am at a really challenging time in my recovery.  I have worked through so much crap that led to my eating disorder and yet I still am really struggling to let go.  I was on vacation last week and that helped a lot.  But I get in these patterns that are both good and bad.  So it will be three good days and three days were my symptoms rule my world.  It just gets exhausting.  And my focus and heart are not in it during those difficult times.  I just have to keep my focus on today.

A Bit Better

Things are starting to feel a bit better but I'm just not quite feeling it.  I'm just tired and want to give up on everything.  I'm starting to feel the tide turn back on my business.  The last month has been slow and that is hard.  I feel kind of useless.  This week brought four new leads so I feel somewhat productive again getting bids out.  My husband and I started to reconnect so I feel some peace with that but we have a ways to go.  I just am not feeling it as far as recovery goes yet.  I'm hoping to turn the corner in that respect very soon. 

Back at it

The last few weeks have been very challenging.  I have been pretty depressed.  My marriage has been sucking badly, my symptoms have been bad, and I just haven't seen the point in trying.  I have just pictured fading away into the background and living out the rest of my life quietly and alone.   But here I am back at it.  Sharing all of my struggles with you, loyal readers and friends.  So today is the day that I take it back.  Today is the day that I am starting to try again.  It feels like I am starting from scratch but I know that is not the case. 

I have really been struggling to get anything written lately.  My life is feeling out of control.  My schedule is nuts with no end in sight.  I have made to many promises to too many people and I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

Having rediscovered this piece of myself is so confusing too.  Part of me wants to accept it and part of me wants to reject it.  When I get on autopilot (which is more often than not) I definitely end up rejecting it.  And I wonder where God is in all of this.  I struggle to pray.  I struggle to stop and reflect.  It is just too painful to deal with.  But the truth is, when I do stop to deal with it I always feel better.  I guess it is just fear of the unknown.  I have a big leap of faith to make and I'm stuck on the first step.

Adjusting

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.  I have really been trying to figure out what is going on with me.  It has been so strange.  My symptoms really got bad for a bit but now I seem to be coming back around.

I am really struggling with this discovery of the old/new me.  I'm starting to laugh again (I mean really laugh) which is kind of fun but every time I do it I feel funny.  And I'm starting to be a little bit more open and free. 

But the strangest part is that my therapist told me that my eating disorder wouldn't work any more once I reconnected with this part.  The other night I was sitting on the couch after dinner which is the hardest time for me and felt no urges to binge and purge.  It was really strange.  I told my husband that I thought my eating disorder was broken.  It is still there but I finally feel like I have a chance on the road to recovery. :)

Reaching Out

God has really helped me to reach out to people this week in a new way.  I have been able to ask people if they want to have coffee or do something fun.  I am really looking forward to getting to know some of my acquantances better. :)  I know that some of them are going to be a great support system for my recovery.  I was also able to reach out to an acquaintance who is very passionate about Christ and ask him why.  His answers were very insightful and I'm excited to try to apply some of them in my life.

But I am still really struggling with my symptoms.  I feel like the insights I had into my past have brought up a lot of turmoil and I am having a hard time putting it back together.  I am going in for a two hour marathon counseling session today so hopefully that will help clear some things up.  I long for the days of being symptom-free but it is a long, hard road to get there.

Putting Up a Fight

It has been a really hard week.  I feel like I have been fighting for peace.  I feel very uncomfortable trying to connect with this other piece of me that has come up.  Life was cruising along and then, bam!  Right between the eyes.  I feel like I am really subconsciously fighting this piece of me from coming back.  So I have to consciously fight to recognize it when it comes up and to reconnect with it.  I know this is going to make a huge difference in my recovery.  This may be the final piece that I need to get there.  But this has been one of the toughest issues to deal with to date.