Off the Radar

Sorry all.  I have disappeared for a few days.  After an incredibly busy weekend and early part of the week I am finally finding some free time.  Trying to deal with stress and busy schedules is always difficult for me.  So trying to do it without my eating disorder is proving to be even more difficult. 

Sometimes being busy is helpful.  A change in the ordinary routine can throw it off enough that I don't go through my automated thought process.  Other times business makes recovery feels downright impossible.  Like if I have to eat at a restaurant that I am just not comfortable with.  And then if I get really overwhelmed, I just shut down and go straight into symptom mode.

This week proved to be a mix of both.  There were days that I was just too busy to stop and think.  And there were days that my schedule got thrown out of whack with late lunches that I couldn't cope with.  And there was one total stress meltdown day.  But overall I stayed the course and did better than the previous week. 

I'm still learning how to juggle my new schedule and manage my symptoms.  I know it's a process and I should not get down on myself.  But sometimes I wonder if I will ever find balance!

So Busy

Life just feels crazy right now.  I have so much on my plate that it is hard to juggle.  Recovery is definitely at the top of the list but it is easy to lose track of that when I feel so swamped.  Last night I was actually successful.  My secrect, I was so exhausted, I fell asleep on the couch right after dinner. :)  There are many nights that I wish I could do that to get through!  So off for another jam packed day of work, cleaning, and company.  And trying to fit recovery in there.  Here goes!

A Shout Out!

Wow.  Having a tough time tonight!  I know I can power through.  Anyone out there who wants to keep me in your prayers tonight would be greatly appreciated!

Help

Last night I was almost there - 10pm - and I started to really struggle.  My husband stepped in and helped me.  The big deal is that I let him help me.  I am so used to being so strong and doing everything on my own.  It was good.  It made me stop and feel all of the bad feelings.  And then they passed.  I am really thankful and I feel great this morning. :)

Confidence

I am feeling confident about succeed today for the first time in quite a few days.  Finally!  Yesterday was definitely hard.  Today I started to pray to God out loud and it just flowed.  I had felt kind of backed up on prayer lately.  Like I said them in my head and nothing was happening.  But by verbalizing my prayers, it just made that connection with God seem so much closer.  So I have a new outllook, for the time being anyways.  Now I need momentum!!!!!

Treasures

Sometimes God sends people your way in packages you aren't expecting.  An example, my son.  After spending over a year waiting to adopt an Asian girl, we were surprised by and blessed with a  little boy who's birthmom lived 20 miles from us.  In the last few weeks, God has put people in my life that I would not have expected to play a role in my recovery.   I know he has a plan for how all of this will play out.  I know I have to be patient and wait for it.  But I find hope in knowing that he has placed "angels" here to help me on my journey.

A New Day

Today I am trying to feel refreshed and washed clean.  I can do this.  This has been way harder than I expected.  I have to pull through and stay focused.  One day at a time.

Overwhelmed

I started a business a few years back.  It was a side job I did for fun.  Well now the ball is really rolling!  I am kind of a stress case.  I need all of the extra time I get back from my eating disorder to do this.  But I get so stressed out about time it makes be want to go back to my symptoms.  I know I can be strong and handle this!  I don't have a choice this week or there will be no sleep!

Hard

This journey has been a lot harder than I thought.  I am trying not to get discouraged and to know that even when I fail, getting right back up and trying again is more than I have done in years.  There is still a part of me that doesn't want to succeed and I need to beat that piece out of myself.  It is going to take some time.  This is definitely not an overnight process.  I have to remind myself that I have relied on my eating disorder for almost twenty years and it will take some time to let go.

Old Habits Die Hard

About two hours ago, I started planning a binge/purge session in my head.  It's great that I have had the ability to stop that thought process.  But it is still a threat.  It is so difficult to break the way you deal with circumstances.  I had to go to lunch with my mom and my sister today.  Although I have done a lot of counseling work around my family, it is still sooooo hard.  Aargh.  I came back ready to go for it with symptoms.  But for the last two hours with my son and husband I realize that I am breaking the cycle which gives me hope.  My son throws tantrums (over picky eating no less!) and I cope with them.  So here's to the good fight tonight!

Fighting

I'm feeling much better today.  Digestion and hunger are returning to normal thankfully.  That makes it only so much easier though.  So after last Sunday, I was anxiously awaiting tonight to see if I could handle early dinner.  Wow, it has been tough.  It is 10:15, four hours since dinner and I am still struggling.  Logically, I know I have digested a substantial amount of what I ate but I am still full.  I think it must be about time to go curl up in bed knowing that when I wake up I won't feel this way.  So I guess the answer is yes I can do early dinner but I still don't like have to like it. ;)

My Stomach's Not Working

This is really not the greatest time for this but I think I have some sort of bug.  Yesterday I just felt like nothing was getting digested.  Today is a little bit better but it is still ridiculous.  It makes it pretty hard to eat a meal and not want to purge.  Yesterday night was a no go.  Today I even wanted to purge after lunch which is so outside of my normal symptoms but I managed to fight through it.  Aargh. 

Ups and Downs

I have really been struggling with eating today.  I just feel fat and bloated every time I eat for hours.  After feeling icky all morning I finally was feeling better around 1:30pm and then figured I better eat lunch.  No fun!  But I don't want to exchange one symptom set for another.  There is no purpose in going through the struggle to stop purging if I start restricting.  So I will eat my meals.  I don't have to like it though!

Yoga

Yesterday I actually had a chance to do yoga for the first time in months.  I am not very good at getting my mind to stop while I am doing it but at least it forces me to attempt it.  And it just makes my body feel good.  I feel kind of free for that 1/2 hour.  And then I feel much better for quite a while afterward too.  I get in the mindset (especially during busy season) that if I have free time I need to spend it on others or be working on something.  It was refreshing yesterday to carve out time just for me.

Energy

I wasn't expecting going through recovery to take this much energy.  I kind of thought that since I wasn't purging, I would have the extra time and energy related to that.  But as it turns out, dealing with the feelings that lead me to purge takes a ton of energy.  There are moments yesterday that I just wanted to give up.  Just to accept my eating disorder as permanent and move on.

But I didn't.  I know in my heart that this will be worth it in the end.  I know that it will not be so difficult or take as much energy in the future.  I need to take care of myself and be kind to my body right now and to know that some day I will turn a corner and it will be easier again. 

Looking Back

Over the last 12 days, I have been not binged or purged for 9.  That is huge for me!  And to be able to get right back to it after one or two bad days is a major success too.  I have hope for recovery right now. 

Last night was very hard.  I wanted so bad to quit but I stuck it out.  And I'm glad I did.  But I totally willed it.  I need to be able to turn to God in these times and ask for help.  I know He is with me always but I have excluded Him from my eating disorder.  Now I need to learn how to include Him so that I have somewhere to turn in the tough times.

It's So Very Quiet

It's so quiet here.  Ahhhhh!  I'm not used to this at all.  I'm having a very hard time focusing on my work.  My retired neighbors are all out on the corner in the sunshine gabbing away.  I survived lunch.  Now I just have to work a few more hours, relax, and have dinner.  The boys should be home shortly after that.  Must stay focused on healthy habits and work!

Triggers

This week has left me paying a lot closer attention to my triggers.  Problem is - I am not identifying them until I am already acting on my emotions related to the trigger.  Last night we went to a friend's house for dinner.  For some reason eating early is a major trigger for me and these people eat at around 5:30pm.  Way too early for me!  So now that I recognize this trigger I get to try it out next week when we go to another friend's house for dinner.  Someday I will get this right.

Today I am all by myself in my home office until almost 9pm.  This loneliness could be a potential trigger for me.  But I have a game plan.  I have scheduled a couple of activities just to get me out of the house.  And if I feel like I might binge and purge I will be right here journaling about how I am feeling.  I hope that I can find success today even though I will be challenged.

A Healthy View of Food

Last night was date night.  We had tickets to Cirque du Soleil and went out to dinner first.  We wanted to go somewhere close, inexpensive, and that wouldn't take too terribly long.  So we decided to go to Old Spaghetti Factory. 

Now a little background on Old Spaghetti Factory and me.  I used to live pretty close to Old Spaghetti Factory.  I would go in, get two meals to go, go home, binge and purge.  So I was pretty nervous about our stop there last night.  I told myself that if I just didn't have the two meals I usually got in the past it would be okay.

We got there, got a cozy little table in the bar overlooking the river and got a glass of wine.  Then the waitress brought the menu.  I poured over that menu and guess what - the only thing that sounded good was one of the meals I used to get for those binges.

So I went for it.  I had a piece of bread, my salad, and enjoyed my pasta until I was full.  Even had a bit of spumoni afterward.  And the best part, I was able to focus on my husband at date night instead of stressing about going to a public restroom to purge.  If I can do that, I can do anything!  Back on track for two days now!

Back on Track

Calling it an early night.  Busy day with my business tomorrow.  Thanks for all of your prayers. :)

Recommited

It has been a better day but I'm still feeling really overwhelmed with all of the stuff I have going on.  My job, my side business, and my family all seem to want a piece of me.  My husband volunteers to help but then magically disappears when the house needs to be cleaned or I need him to watch our son.  LOL - guess I should not be surprised by this after eight years.  I almost have the house cleaned and my little guy should be up from him nap soon for an evening of play. 

So tonight I have to recommit myself during the hard times.  Around 8pm is my major struggle.  If I make it until 9:30pm I'm in the clear.  It's only an hour and a half.  It isn't that long.  But when I want so bad to purge it feels like eternity.  When I first started running, I used to say to myself, "I can do anything for x minutes" to get to the end.  Probably a good thing to use tonight.

Challenges

Today was full of tough challenges.  Weird business rejection (maybe - still not sure what it was), awkward cocktail party, conversation with my dad trying too hard.  Again I found myself not being able to cope.  So that is night two of failure.  This sucks!!!!!!  I have to regain strength.  I am still learning so much about myself in recovery that is unexpected.  I didn't think that stopping purging would lead me back to these body image issues that seemed so healed from past treatments.  They are still alive and well and just well hidden by managing fear through restricting and purging.  Wow - that is hard to come back to after all of these years.  Tomorrow I just need some down time.  I need to feel okay about not being able to do it all.  And I need some peace.  To a fresh start tomorrow.

Emotions

So after Easter Sunday I realized that it felt good to feel angry and let it out.  But today I am just down.  It's not really sadness but just a general depression.  I don't really like this emotion at all.  I am just wanting it to pass.  Is this normal?  I don't know.  But the blah feeling is not favorite. 

This Morning

I feel awful this morning.  I feel beaten and broken.  I physically feel like crap.  Last night I think what triggered me was a sense of being overwhelmed.  Like there is too much to do and I don't have the hours in the day to get it all done.  Today, I just need to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.  To really practice being present in the moment and not worrying about the massive to-do list. I need to keep telling myself that this is a setback but not the end.

Discouraged

So tonight, I just couldn't pull it off.  So sad.  I have always been so all or nothing about recovery that I know I will want to give up come tomorrow.  But I know that is not how it works.  I have to be willing to put up the fight to succeed tomorrow.  I may have many more downfalls or just a few but if I can't pick myself up and move on I will never be 100% better. 

Blah - Bloated

I woke up this morning just totally feeling bloated.  And for me bloated=fat=bad=I could go on and on here.  I know that this is normal.  This is kind of what bodies do.  Normal bodies.  People who eat healthy meals and don't purge are going to get bloated occasionally right?  But this line of thinking has never worked for me.

As I sat down to right this post my husband's computer in the background was playing Nickel Creek's "The Hand Song".  Okay, I probably sound totally obsessed with Nickel Creek but I swear I'm not.  Just total coincidence.  Part of the chorus says "He was showing his love and that's how he hurt his hands."  It just reminded me that this body (as much as it upsets me and frustrates me at times) is just flesh.  Jesus died and gave up his earthly body and someday I won't have to deal with my flesh anymore either. 

Wow.  I need a break after that deep kind of stuff.  Here's to day 7 of no purging.  I haven't made it this long since 2004 I think. 

Life Changing Emotions

Just read a really powerful article by Jim Rohn call The Four Emotions That Can Lead to Life Change.  It's pretty short so read it if you have a chance.  Here's what really hit me about each emotion in relation to where I am at now:

1) Disgust - I've decided I'm not going to live like this anymore! 
2) Decision - "Conflicting armies of emotions, each with its own arsenal of reasons, battle each other for supremacy of our minds."  I've decided after all of these years to go with the emotions that say no to my eating disorder.
3) Desire - "Don’t erect a wall to protect you from experiencing life. The same wall that keeps out your disappointment also keeps out the sunlight of enriching experiences."  My eating disorder has kept me safe from pain but it has dulled the thrill of life.  I want the to feel the positive emotions to the fullest again!
4) Resolve - "Promise yourself you'll never give up."  This is it, I'm doing it this time.  I'm going to recover!

Hunger Cues

I remember in an outpatient program that I did years ago they always said "notice your hunger cues" and made a big deal out of how our bodies get confused by restricting, binging, and purging.  So hunger cues scare me.  I don't like to eat a meal and then still be hungry.  I caught myself yesterday and realized that I ate way too small of a lunch and had a snack.  But I struggle to tell myself that it is okay.  I know way too much about nutrition and calories and all of that.  But I have never dealt with acknowledging that it is okay for me to be nourished.  And being full is sooooo hard.  I know I have to retrain my body and this takes time.  But in the meantime, it takes a lot of energy to handle!

Better Now

This morning I am in a much better place.  Things have cooled down.  I didn't realize how hard this would all be.  I have really been relying on my eating disorder to deal with the anger and the pain that I feel.  It is hard to just let it all out.  I feel so vulnerable.  But I know that is what "normal" people do.  It is a big shift in my thinking. 

Exhausted

Yesterday was a disaster.  So glad it is over.  I ended up kicking my family out of my house.  Aargh.  I just can't go through this journey with the constant verbal jabs that everyone makes at each other.  It is just old.  And then to deal with my stupid anorexic sister-in-law who has never admitted that she has any sort of problem and spends the whole afternoon talking about eating and what size clothes she wears.  I just can't.  Think I am done with family stuff for a looong time.

Happy Easter!

As a Christian, Easter is probably the most special holiday.  I love that we all get to go to church and revel in the fact that God sent his son to die for our sins.  He loves us so much!

With an eating disorder Easter becomes one of the days that I hate the most along with Christmas, Thanksgiving, and often the Fourth of July.  Why do family gatherings have to center around food?!  Family=trigger.  Massive, multiple meals=trigger. 

So here's how I expect today to go:
1)  Have breakfast at home and watch my toddler get his first Easter basket
2)  Go to church and feel revitalized
3)  Drive for an hour and a half to my husband's parents house
4)  Have massive meal number one which will probably consist of foods I don't like
5)  Drive for an hour and a half home
6)  Make a meal for my family (less massive and healthier because I am in charge of it)
7)  Listen to my mom and my brother-in-law verbally jab at each other
8)  Send everyone on their way and try to decompress

Here goes!  At least I am working at home tomorrow and will have some peace and quiet!

Oh Boy.

Tonight was tough.  I have managed to make it through but it was tough.  This is seriously taking every fiber of my being to pull through.  I really just had to keep myself busy to get through it.  Fortunately, I have plenty of homework for my eating disorder support group to keep me busy.  After two hours, I finally felt able to let down my guard.  I really hope this will get easier as time goes on.  I have relied so much on my eating disorder for so long to deal with all of my stress.  I feel like I am rewiring my brain.

The Best Part

Being able to end the day putting a bunch of product on my face simply because I have time and energy. :)  Dorky, I know.

On to Day Two

So day one went okay.  A little rough towards the end but I stuck it out.  Right now, I'm making dinner and praying that day two will go as easily as day one did.  My motivation hasn't been this high in a long time but I am cautiously optimistic about that.  I'm been caught off guard when I felt great and failed miserably.  But for now my hope remains. :)

Today's the Day

This morning I woke up immediately realizing what today is.  That is not like me at all.  I usually get ready, get some coffee, drive to work, and sometimes get to work before I realize the significance of any given day.  But today stands to be the most important day in my life.  This is the end of an 18-year relationship.  It's hard to let go.  But I know I have to do this to move on and get what I want out of this life.  So here goes.  I'm jumping in with both feet!