My Goodbye Letter to ED

ED,

You showed up when I was nine years old. Just a quiet voice in the back of my head. You told me I was fat and I believed you. You told me that others wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t perfect and I believed you. Just a constant quiet reminder.

Then you got louder. You told me I needed to start dieting. You told me that I needed to be thin and beautiful. You told me that no one would love me if I wasn’t. You told me that I needed to be adored by men. You told me that I needed to be in control.

And then the day came that you took control. I handed it over to you and purged. And I have never gotten control back.

I know I am supposed to be thankful for what you have done for me. You have given me a release from the stress of life that I couldn’t control. You have held my hand and helped me get through life in a totally dysfunctional home.

But what you took from me was so much more than that. You have made me feel like I can’t make friends. That no one will like me for me without you behind the scenes. You make me feel scared about trying new things. You have interrupted my life with my husband. You separate me from God. You steal my time, my thoughts, and my energy. You tell me I can’t succeed. You tell me to be afraid wherever I go.

Now I’m tired. I’m too old and tired for you. It’s time for me to move on. I need to have friends that I don’t have to keep this monstrous secret from. I need my husband. I need a relationship with the Lord without the sin you bring. I need time. I need peace. I need energy.

You can see that you bring none of the things that I need. You bring the opposite of what I need. I can’t keep letting you get in the way of ME. I am still in here. You can’t have this body anymore. It’s not yours. You need to go.

RS