I am in my early thirties and have been battling an eating disorder for almost 20 years. I had a stint in an outpatient program eight years ago. Nothing has been enough for me to want to give this up. Not my family growing up, not my husband, not my baby, nothing. But something inside of me has longed for change. I haven't wanted to live like this.
About a year ago, I started counseling again. I started working through most of the things that were holding me back from recovery. And after a lot of work and tears and frustration I feel like I am ready to let go of this eating disorder and move on once and for all. Working through a goal setting program, I put a date on it. As of tomorrow, April 1, 2010, I want to be symptom-free. I am so ready for this but it will be difficult because I have been purging daily for months with only a few short breaks.
The title of the blog comes from the Nickel Creek song "Green and Grey". I can relate so much to the "Green" character in the song. Pleasing everyone, appearing fine on the outside, but struggling in private. And I have been the "Grey" character in the song too. Not showing emotion to those around me. The truth is, neither side is healthy or were I want to be. I want to find the middle ground. To be me without fear.
So as I move forward in this journey, I invite you to follow me. I welcome advice from those who have come before me, support from those who are walking this journey with me, and hope for those who want to come down this path but are afraid to make the leap.
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