Battle

Well, since Tuesday was April 1, yesterday was April 2, and today is April 3.  So far so good in fighting my symptoms.  The fight is back in me is the key thing.  I am still exhausted and overwhelmed but I have the desire to get better back at full strength.  Maybe that is the wrong way to put it.  The desire to get better is always there.  But the desire to put out the effort that it takes to get better is harder to maintain.  That is really where my struggle has been the last couple of weeks.

So I really did make yesterday April 1st.  Now today has to be April 2nd.  I am feeling pretty good today.  After nights of no or bad sleep I finally feel rested.  Today I really just want to focus on feeling the emotions as they come.  In running my business a typical day holds fear, anger, elation, accomplishment, frustration, and too many other emotions to list.  If I stuff these emotions as I am feeling them, my eating disorder loves to show up at night to help me deal with them.  So today I'm going to take them as they come and not let ED get a shot at them.

Reactive

So this morning after waking up completely exhausted again I started to think about what I need to do differently.  I have been in a reactive state the last couple of weeks.  I'm letting what happens to me dictate how I respond instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  So today instead of trying to go on pretending that all is well I am going to take some time out and reflect on where I am at.  Lunch break in the sauna at the gym I think.  I have to regroup.  I have been having so many struggles and it is totally crazy. 

So I am making this the day that I am calling a do-over.  Back to that April 1 goal.  Starting today, right now, going forward, I am symptom free.  It feels good to say that again.

Not So Much of a Comeback

Well I found myself in another really tough week.  And these struggles just don't seem to get any easier.  I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel but find myself surrounded by darkness.  Wow - how depressing am I?!  So today is a new day.  Like every day I wake up with the intention of "killing it".  And usually by the end of the day I am wiped out.  So today I think I will take a slower pace.  That is okay right?  Everything may not get done but hopefully I will feel more at ease at the end of the day.

P.S. - Sorry my blog was down yesterday.  The Google "robots" apparently decided that I was a spammer and blocked my blog.  Nothing like pouring your heart and soul out to be slammed by a robot!  Not cool, Google, not cool.  But at least they got it back up quickly.

"Don't call it a comeback - I've been here for years." - LL Cool J

Haha - couldn't resist even though it doesn't really fit.  After a really hard week, I had a great counseling appointment and support group last night (thanks ladies) and I'm feeling more ready to beat this thing again this morning.  I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed, anxious, etc, etc.  But I remember all the reasons that I am doing this again.  Life is going to be so much better in so many ways when my eating disorder is gone. 

Fresh Start

Last week was by far the most diffficult week since I started this recovery process.  I know that it is baby steps that will get me to the finish line but last week I seriously felt like there was a rope pulling me back towards the start line.

I have been working on my focus, trying to keep it on God.  But during the hard times, I just want to pretend He is not there.  And I am really good at that!

My goal is to take a baby step - to live just today symptom free.

Optimism Returns - Kind Of

The sun is shining.  I get to eat breakfast and watch Dinosaur Train with my little boy.  Then driving down to my dad's house to pick up a tree.  My dad is finally starting to accept that my business is a going concern so that helps.  Then a free afternoon.  I have Calibrochoa to plant in my hanging baskets and we are going to buy a new barbeque that will need to be set up.  Sounds like summer to me. 

But in the background my symptoms still linger.  I still don't know if I will be able to handle it all today.  The exhaustion of yesterday is still looming.  One foot in front of the other I guess.  I just have to remember to trust God.  He is the only way I can do this!

One of Those Weeks

I have tried so hard to remain optimistic this week but I am worn out.  And my sypmtoms are right there with my exhaustion. I just feel so disconnected from my husband.  I swear he hasn't listened to anything I have said for the last week.  And of course he swears I haven't listened to his either (but I have I swear).  So a full week of this has taken its toll. It is exhausting being wife, mom, housekeeper, employee, and business owner.  It is a lot to take on.  I guess it is about time to crawl in bed for my 6am Saturday wakeup call.  Until then!

Improvement

“Practice the philosophy of continuous improvement. Get a little bit better every single day.” —Brian Tracy


I have always been driven to be perfect in all I do.  Easier said than done in some cases.  My eating disorder has been the one area that I allow myself to fail in.  In the past in recovery, I have had to do it perfectly.  No purging at all.  And then three to six months later I am off the wagon again.  This time, I am allowing for failure and success.  And I'm trying to be more accepting of failure in other areas of my life.  I like this quote by Brian Tracy because it helps me remember that this is a process.  And everyday I am getting a little bit better.  I am learning from my trials and tribulations each day and moving ahead with the knowledge that I am recovering.  I will get there one step at a time.

Voices

It feels like everyday all these worried voices are constantly going in my head.  Here is a small sampling:

• Did I leave the stove on?
• Is my boss pissed at me?
• How are we going to pay for that?
• How am I going to juggle all of my business tasks?
• Will I find the right employee to take some of the load off?
• Will the nursery have the plant I need or will I have to struggle to get it?
• And on, and on, and on.

I feel like I can't make them stop.  So today, at my therapist's recommendation I tried meditating.  It was crazy, the lady instructed you to breathe deeply for about a minute and then you were supposed to be totally relaxed.  Ha!  It took me a ways into the meditation to feel totally relaxed.  But I have to say that it has helped me today when those voices come up.  I am feeling more centered and grounded. 

Rules

There are times now when this recovery stuff is getting easier to handle.  This morning I was feeling awesome.  Now not so much.  I still have guilt if I don't follow all of the rules that I have made up and expect myself to follow.  Right now I am struggling with the no afternoon snack rule.  I was so starving that I had to eat something or I wouldn't be able to focus on what I'm working on.  But now I am struggling with this in my head.  The logic is there fighting against it.  But I just can't get past this rule.  I think it is time for a hot bath or some form of distraction!

On a Roll?

I have been successful fighting my symptoms for three days in a row and I kind of feel like I am on a roll with it.  And it feels great.  I hope that I can keep this going!  Today is shaping up to be a stressful busy day but I have some free time coming up this weekend that should help. 

I have really been trying to stay focused on the Lord being with me in all of this.  It is hard because this has been the dark, dirty area of my life that I didn't let Him into.  Yeh, yeh, I know he was there with me but I didn't want to think about it.  Now I am really trying to rely on His strength when times get tough.  It is definitely an area that I need to practice. :)

This is What it Takes

Today has been crazy.  I ran 5 miles.  Yay - running!  This is the first time in a week because I have been sick.  It was a hard run but I really needed it to calm the stress.  Then, a client asked that I move some river rock even though we held her project back due to rain.  After about 500 lbs of rock moved by myself, I felt totally cool about having a snack.  Today the eating disorder symptoms seem easy because of all of this.  Wait - this isn't fair!  I want it to be easy when I exert a normal amount of physical energy.  Well, if this is what it takes today I guess that is good enough for me.  One step at a time, right?  I just hope that this level of confidence will someday occur without the excessive physical labor.

Some Days

Friday was difficult.  But somehow I managed to pull through.  It took all my might but I did it.  Last night, I just did not even have the energy to try.  It is amazing how that goes.  At the first sign of struggle I gave up.  It is so discouraging.  Today is a new day.  I can do this today.  I can fight and win!  I have been thriving off of Galations 5:22-23 this week:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."

God promises us so many good things.  But these things don't come easy to us as humans.  My focus needs to be on God during the tough times to draw on these virtues.  And to do that I need to be in the moment.  One day at a time.