Hanging in There

I am at a really challenging time in my recovery.  I have worked through so much crap that led to my eating disorder and yet I still am really struggling to let go.  I was on vacation last week and that helped a lot.  But I get in these patterns that are both good and bad.  So it will be three good days and three days were my symptoms rule my world.  It just gets exhausting.  And my focus and heart are not in it during those difficult times.  I just have to keep my focus on today.

A Bit Better

Things are starting to feel a bit better but I'm just not quite feeling it.  I'm just tired and want to give up on everything.  I'm starting to feel the tide turn back on my business.  The last month has been slow and that is hard.  I feel kind of useless.  This week brought four new leads so I feel somewhat productive again getting bids out.  My husband and I started to reconnect so I feel some peace with that but we have a ways to go.  I just am not feeling it as far as recovery goes yet.  I'm hoping to turn the corner in that respect very soon. 

Back at it

The last few weeks have been very challenging.  I have been pretty depressed.  My marriage has been sucking badly, my symptoms have been bad, and I just haven't seen the point in trying.  I have just pictured fading away into the background and living out the rest of my life quietly and alone.   But here I am back at it.  Sharing all of my struggles with you, loyal readers and friends.  So today is the day that I take it back.  Today is the day that I am starting to try again.  It feels like I am starting from scratch but I know that is not the case. 

I have really been struggling to get anything written lately.  My life is feeling out of control.  My schedule is nuts with no end in sight.  I have made to many promises to too many people and I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

Having rediscovered this piece of myself is so confusing too.  Part of me wants to accept it and part of me wants to reject it.  When I get on autopilot (which is more often than not) I definitely end up rejecting it.  And I wonder where God is in all of this.  I struggle to pray.  I struggle to stop and reflect.  It is just too painful to deal with.  But the truth is, when I do stop to deal with it I always feel better.  I guess it is just fear of the unknown.  I have a big leap of faith to make and I'm stuck on the first step.

Adjusting

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.  I have really been trying to figure out what is going on with me.  It has been so strange.  My symptoms really got bad for a bit but now I seem to be coming back around.

I am really struggling with this discovery of the old/new me.  I'm starting to laugh again (I mean really laugh) which is kind of fun but every time I do it I feel funny.  And I'm starting to be a little bit more open and free. 

But the strangest part is that my therapist told me that my eating disorder wouldn't work any more once I reconnected with this part.  The other night I was sitting on the couch after dinner which is the hardest time for me and felt no urges to binge and purge.  It was really strange.  I told my husband that I thought my eating disorder was broken.  It is still there but I finally feel like I have a chance on the road to recovery. :)

Reaching Out

God has really helped me to reach out to people this week in a new way.  I have been able to ask people if they want to have coffee or do something fun.  I am really looking forward to getting to know some of my acquantances better. :)  I know that some of them are going to be a great support system for my recovery.  I was also able to reach out to an acquaintance who is very passionate about Christ and ask him why.  His answers were very insightful and I'm excited to try to apply some of them in my life.

But I am still really struggling with my symptoms.  I feel like the insights I had into my past have brought up a lot of turmoil and I am having a hard time putting it back together.  I am going in for a two hour marathon counseling session today so hopefully that will help clear some things up.  I long for the days of being symptom-free but it is a long, hard road to get there.

Putting Up a Fight

It has been a really hard week.  I feel like I have been fighting for peace.  I feel very uncomfortable trying to connect with this other piece of me that has come up.  Life was cruising along and then, bam!  Right between the eyes.  I feel like I am really subconsciously fighting this piece of me from coming back.  So I have to consciously fight to recognize it when it comes up and to reconnect with it.  I know this is going to make a huge difference in my recovery.  This may be the final piece that I need to get there.  But this has been one of the toughest issues to deal with to date.

Dancing

"You can dance.  It's just that someone told you not to."
-Bill Django (played by Jeff Bridges) in The Men Who Stare At Goats

As little flashes of who I could be are appearing, this line seemed to sum it all up.  I have all of these things that I can't express in words.  But it will come. 

Deep Stuff

I am really writing this because there are a few people (you know who you are) that I'd like to share this with but I couldn't put it into words last night.   But hopefully everyone reading this will get something out of it.  Here is the piece of me that I don't share.

When I was a kid, my parents were very neglectful.  My mom has pretty severe bipolar disorder (now controlled by medication but not then) and my dad was a sex addict (now recovering).  I lived in a very self-centered house where I had to fend for myself a lot. 

I started to notice that the public "me" was widely accepted.  I was successful in school, piano lessons, etc.  But the side of me that I shared only with my family was being rejected.  I put her away.  For a long time.  For 24 years.  And now, I don't know who she is. 

But yesterday in my counseling session I started to get in touch with her.  And I am so confused and scared.  I hear her voice (it's coming from my heart).  I want to let her out but I don't know how.  And who is she - it's scary to let her out!  But I know this is a door that I have to unlock to recover. 

So for now I sit in confusion, fear, uncertainty.  I'm trying to think of ways to embrace her but I don't even know her that well . . .

Too Much

I have decided that I am just one of those people who takes on too much.  I don't know why I do it.  It all sounds like fun and a good idea when I sign up but then I get stressed and overwhelmed.  And if I don't have anything going then I feel like I should.  I can't relax any more! 

When did life get so crazy?  It just snuck up on me.  I really need to learn how to have downtime but I just feel like I don't know what to do with it.

Struggles

I went away for the three-day weekend and ran into a mess of struggles.  I am trying so hard to lean on God for the hard times.  But it is still hard to let Him into the "dirty" places in my life.  Yes, I know He is there but I prefer to ignore Him.  Bad, huh?  Being back at home today and having a normal schedule will help me manage my symptoms.  And I have a busy week which surprisingly can help too.  So here goes.  I am so scared that I will never get past this.  But I know if I keep working a little at a time I will.  It is so hard right now though.

Battle

Well, since Tuesday was April 1, yesterday was April 2, and today is April 3.  So far so good in fighting my symptoms.  The fight is back in me is the key thing.  I am still exhausted and overwhelmed but I have the desire to get better back at full strength.  Maybe that is the wrong way to put it.  The desire to get better is always there.  But the desire to put out the effort that it takes to get better is harder to maintain.  That is really where my struggle has been the last couple of weeks.

So I really did make yesterday April 1st.  Now today has to be April 2nd.  I am feeling pretty good today.  After nights of no or bad sleep I finally feel rested.  Today I really just want to focus on feeling the emotions as they come.  In running my business a typical day holds fear, anger, elation, accomplishment, frustration, and too many other emotions to list.  If I stuff these emotions as I am feeling them, my eating disorder loves to show up at night to help me deal with them.  So today I'm going to take them as they come and not let ED get a shot at them.

Reactive

So this morning after waking up completely exhausted again I started to think about what I need to do differently.  I have been in a reactive state the last couple of weeks.  I'm letting what happens to me dictate how I respond instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  So today instead of trying to go on pretending that all is well I am going to take some time out and reflect on where I am at.  Lunch break in the sauna at the gym I think.  I have to regroup.  I have been having so many struggles and it is totally crazy. 

So I am making this the day that I am calling a do-over.  Back to that April 1 goal.  Starting today, right now, going forward, I am symptom free.  It feels good to say that again.

Not So Much of a Comeback

Well I found myself in another really tough week.  And these struggles just don't seem to get any easier.  I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel but find myself surrounded by darkness.  Wow - how depressing am I?!  So today is a new day.  Like every day I wake up with the intention of "killing it".  And usually by the end of the day I am wiped out.  So today I think I will take a slower pace.  That is okay right?  Everything may not get done but hopefully I will feel more at ease at the end of the day.

P.S. - Sorry my blog was down yesterday.  The Google "robots" apparently decided that I was a spammer and blocked my blog.  Nothing like pouring your heart and soul out to be slammed by a robot!  Not cool, Google, not cool.  But at least they got it back up quickly.

"Don't call it a comeback - I've been here for years." - LL Cool J

Haha - couldn't resist even though it doesn't really fit.  After a really hard week, I had a great counseling appointment and support group last night (thanks ladies) and I'm feeling more ready to beat this thing again this morning.  I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed, anxious, etc, etc.  But I remember all the reasons that I am doing this again.  Life is going to be so much better in so many ways when my eating disorder is gone. 

Fresh Start

Last week was by far the most diffficult week since I started this recovery process.  I know that it is baby steps that will get me to the finish line but last week I seriously felt like there was a rope pulling me back towards the start line.

I have been working on my focus, trying to keep it on God.  But during the hard times, I just want to pretend He is not there.  And I am really good at that!

My goal is to take a baby step - to live just today symptom free.

Optimism Returns - Kind Of

The sun is shining.  I get to eat breakfast and watch Dinosaur Train with my little boy.  Then driving down to my dad's house to pick up a tree.  My dad is finally starting to accept that my business is a going concern so that helps.  Then a free afternoon.  I have Calibrochoa to plant in my hanging baskets and we are going to buy a new barbeque that will need to be set up.  Sounds like summer to me. 

But in the background my symptoms still linger.  I still don't know if I will be able to handle it all today.  The exhaustion of yesterday is still looming.  One foot in front of the other I guess.  I just have to remember to trust God.  He is the only way I can do this!

One of Those Weeks

I have tried so hard to remain optimistic this week but I am worn out.  And my sypmtoms are right there with my exhaustion. I just feel so disconnected from my husband.  I swear he hasn't listened to anything I have said for the last week.  And of course he swears I haven't listened to his either (but I have I swear).  So a full week of this has taken its toll. It is exhausting being wife, mom, housekeeper, employee, and business owner.  It is a lot to take on.  I guess it is about time to crawl in bed for my 6am Saturday wakeup call.  Until then!

Improvement

“Practice the philosophy of continuous improvement. Get a little bit better every single day.” —Brian Tracy


I have always been driven to be perfect in all I do.  Easier said than done in some cases.  My eating disorder has been the one area that I allow myself to fail in.  In the past in recovery, I have had to do it perfectly.  No purging at all.  And then three to six months later I am off the wagon again.  This time, I am allowing for failure and success.  And I'm trying to be more accepting of failure in other areas of my life.  I like this quote by Brian Tracy because it helps me remember that this is a process.  And everyday I am getting a little bit better.  I am learning from my trials and tribulations each day and moving ahead with the knowledge that I am recovering.  I will get there one step at a time.

Voices

It feels like everyday all these worried voices are constantly going in my head.  Here is a small sampling:

• Did I leave the stove on?
• Is my boss pissed at me?
• How are we going to pay for that?
• How am I going to juggle all of my business tasks?
• Will I find the right employee to take some of the load off?
• Will the nursery have the plant I need or will I have to struggle to get it?
• And on, and on, and on.

I feel like I can't make them stop.  So today, at my therapist's recommendation I tried meditating.  It was crazy, the lady instructed you to breathe deeply for about a minute and then you were supposed to be totally relaxed.  Ha!  It took me a ways into the meditation to feel totally relaxed.  But I have to say that it has helped me today when those voices come up.  I am feeling more centered and grounded. 

Rules

There are times now when this recovery stuff is getting easier to handle.  This morning I was feeling awesome.  Now not so much.  I still have guilt if I don't follow all of the rules that I have made up and expect myself to follow.  Right now I am struggling with the no afternoon snack rule.  I was so starving that I had to eat something or I wouldn't be able to focus on what I'm working on.  But now I am struggling with this in my head.  The logic is there fighting against it.  But I just can't get past this rule.  I think it is time for a hot bath or some form of distraction!

On a Roll?

I have been successful fighting my symptoms for three days in a row and I kind of feel like I am on a roll with it.  And it feels great.  I hope that I can keep this going!  Today is shaping up to be a stressful busy day but I have some free time coming up this weekend that should help. 

I have really been trying to stay focused on the Lord being with me in all of this.  It is hard because this has been the dark, dirty area of my life that I didn't let Him into.  Yeh, yeh, I know he was there with me but I didn't want to think about it.  Now I am really trying to rely on His strength when times get tough.  It is definitely an area that I need to practice. :)

This is What it Takes

Today has been crazy.  I ran 5 miles.  Yay - running!  This is the first time in a week because I have been sick.  It was a hard run but I really needed it to calm the stress.  Then, a client asked that I move some river rock even though we held her project back due to rain.  After about 500 lbs of rock moved by myself, I felt totally cool about having a snack.  Today the eating disorder symptoms seem easy because of all of this.  Wait - this isn't fair!  I want it to be easy when I exert a normal amount of physical energy.  Well, if this is what it takes today I guess that is good enough for me.  One step at a time, right?  I just hope that this level of confidence will someday occur without the excessive physical labor.

Some Days

Friday was difficult.  But somehow I managed to pull through.  It took all my might but I did it.  Last night, I just did not even have the energy to try.  It is amazing how that goes.  At the first sign of struggle I gave up.  It is so discouraging.  Today is a new day.  I can do this today.  I can fight and win!  I have been thriving off of Galations 5:22-23 this week:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."

God promises us so many good things.  But these things don't come easy to us as humans.  My focus needs to be on God during the tough times to draw on these virtues.  And to do that I need to be in the moment.  One day at a time.

Off the Radar

Sorry all.  I have disappeared for a few days.  After an incredibly busy weekend and early part of the week I am finally finding some free time.  Trying to deal with stress and busy schedules is always difficult for me.  So trying to do it without my eating disorder is proving to be even more difficult. 

Sometimes being busy is helpful.  A change in the ordinary routine can throw it off enough that I don't go through my automated thought process.  Other times business makes recovery feels downright impossible.  Like if I have to eat at a restaurant that I am just not comfortable with.  And then if I get really overwhelmed, I just shut down and go straight into symptom mode.

This week proved to be a mix of both.  There were days that I was just too busy to stop and think.  And there were days that my schedule got thrown out of whack with late lunches that I couldn't cope with.  And there was one total stress meltdown day.  But overall I stayed the course and did better than the previous week. 

I'm still learning how to juggle my new schedule and manage my symptoms.  I know it's a process and I should not get down on myself.  But sometimes I wonder if I will ever find balance!

So Busy

Life just feels crazy right now.  I have so much on my plate that it is hard to juggle.  Recovery is definitely at the top of the list but it is easy to lose track of that when I feel so swamped.  Last night I was actually successful.  My secrect, I was so exhausted, I fell asleep on the couch right after dinner. :)  There are many nights that I wish I could do that to get through!  So off for another jam packed day of work, cleaning, and company.  And trying to fit recovery in there.  Here goes!

A Shout Out!

Wow.  Having a tough time tonight!  I know I can power through.  Anyone out there who wants to keep me in your prayers tonight would be greatly appreciated!

Help

Last night I was almost there - 10pm - and I started to really struggle.  My husband stepped in and helped me.  The big deal is that I let him help me.  I am so used to being so strong and doing everything on my own.  It was good.  It made me stop and feel all of the bad feelings.  And then they passed.  I am really thankful and I feel great this morning. :)

Confidence

I am feeling confident about succeed today for the first time in quite a few days.  Finally!  Yesterday was definitely hard.  Today I started to pray to God out loud and it just flowed.  I had felt kind of backed up on prayer lately.  Like I said them in my head and nothing was happening.  But by verbalizing my prayers, it just made that connection with God seem so much closer.  So I have a new outllook, for the time being anyways.  Now I need momentum!!!!!

Treasures

Sometimes God sends people your way in packages you aren't expecting.  An example, my son.  After spending over a year waiting to adopt an Asian girl, we were surprised by and blessed with a  little boy who's birthmom lived 20 miles from us.  In the last few weeks, God has put people in my life that I would not have expected to play a role in my recovery.   I know he has a plan for how all of this will play out.  I know I have to be patient and wait for it.  But I find hope in knowing that he has placed "angels" here to help me on my journey.

A New Day

Today I am trying to feel refreshed and washed clean.  I can do this.  This has been way harder than I expected.  I have to pull through and stay focused.  One day at a time.

Overwhelmed

I started a business a few years back.  It was a side job I did for fun.  Well now the ball is really rolling!  I am kind of a stress case.  I need all of the extra time I get back from my eating disorder to do this.  But I get so stressed out about time it makes be want to go back to my symptoms.  I know I can be strong and handle this!  I don't have a choice this week or there will be no sleep!

Hard

This journey has been a lot harder than I thought.  I am trying not to get discouraged and to know that even when I fail, getting right back up and trying again is more than I have done in years.  There is still a part of me that doesn't want to succeed and I need to beat that piece out of myself.  It is going to take some time.  This is definitely not an overnight process.  I have to remind myself that I have relied on my eating disorder for almost twenty years and it will take some time to let go.

Old Habits Die Hard

About two hours ago, I started planning a binge/purge session in my head.  It's great that I have had the ability to stop that thought process.  But it is still a threat.  It is so difficult to break the way you deal with circumstances.  I had to go to lunch with my mom and my sister today.  Although I have done a lot of counseling work around my family, it is still sooooo hard.  Aargh.  I came back ready to go for it with symptoms.  But for the last two hours with my son and husband I realize that I am breaking the cycle which gives me hope.  My son throws tantrums (over picky eating no less!) and I cope with them.  So here's to the good fight tonight!

Fighting

I'm feeling much better today.  Digestion and hunger are returning to normal thankfully.  That makes it only so much easier though.  So after last Sunday, I was anxiously awaiting tonight to see if I could handle early dinner.  Wow, it has been tough.  It is 10:15, four hours since dinner and I am still struggling.  Logically, I know I have digested a substantial amount of what I ate but I am still full.  I think it must be about time to go curl up in bed knowing that when I wake up I won't feel this way.  So I guess the answer is yes I can do early dinner but I still don't like have to like it. ;)

My Stomach's Not Working

This is really not the greatest time for this but I think I have some sort of bug.  Yesterday I just felt like nothing was getting digested.  Today is a little bit better but it is still ridiculous.  It makes it pretty hard to eat a meal and not want to purge.  Yesterday night was a no go.  Today I even wanted to purge after lunch which is so outside of my normal symptoms but I managed to fight through it.  Aargh. 

Ups and Downs

I have really been struggling with eating today.  I just feel fat and bloated every time I eat for hours.  After feeling icky all morning I finally was feeling better around 1:30pm and then figured I better eat lunch.  No fun!  But I don't want to exchange one symptom set for another.  There is no purpose in going through the struggle to stop purging if I start restricting.  So I will eat my meals.  I don't have to like it though!

Yoga

Yesterday I actually had a chance to do yoga for the first time in months.  I am not very good at getting my mind to stop while I am doing it but at least it forces me to attempt it.  And it just makes my body feel good.  I feel kind of free for that 1/2 hour.  And then I feel much better for quite a while afterward too.  I get in the mindset (especially during busy season) that if I have free time I need to spend it on others or be working on something.  It was refreshing yesterday to carve out time just for me.

Energy

I wasn't expecting going through recovery to take this much energy.  I kind of thought that since I wasn't purging, I would have the extra time and energy related to that.  But as it turns out, dealing with the feelings that lead me to purge takes a ton of energy.  There are moments yesterday that I just wanted to give up.  Just to accept my eating disorder as permanent and move on.

But I didn't.  I know in my heart that this will be worth it in the end.  I know that it will not be so difficult or take as much energy in the future.  I need to take care of myself and be kind to my body right now and to know that some day I will turn a corner and it will be easier again. 

Looking Back

Over the last 12 days, I have been not binged or purged for 9.  That is huge for me!  And to be able to get right back to it after one or two bad days is a major success too.  I have hope for recovery right now. 

Last night was very hard.  I wanted so bad to quit but I stuck it out.  And I'm glad I did.  But I totally willed it.  I need to be able to turn to God in these times and ask for help.  I know He is with me always but I have excluded Him from my eating disorder.  Now I need to learn how to include Him so that I have somewhere to turn in the tough times.

It's So Very Quiet

It's so quiet here.  Ahhhhh!  I'm not used to this at all.  I'm having a very hard time focusing on my work.  My retired neighbors are all out on the corner in the sunshine gabbing away.  I survived lunch.  Now I just have to work a few more hours, relax, and have dinner.  The boys should be home shortly after that.  Must stay focused on healthy habits and work!

Triggers

This week has left me paying a lot closer attention to my triggers.  Problem is - I am not identifying them until I am already acting on my emotions related to the trigger.  Last night we went to a friend's house for dinner.  For some reason eating early is a major trigger for me and these people eat at around 5:30pm.  Way too early for me!  So now that I recognize this trigger I get to try it out next week when we go to another friend's house for dinner.  Someday I will get this right.

Today I am all by myself in my home office until almost 9pm.  This loneliness could be a potential trigger for me.  But I have a game plan.  I have scheduled a couple of activities just to get me out of the house.  And if I feel like I might binge and purge I will be right here journaling about how I am feeling.  I hope that I can find success today even though I will be challenged.

A Healthy View of Food

Last night was date night.  We had tickets to Cirque du Soleil and went out to dinner first.  We wanted to go somewhere close, inexpensive, and that wouldn't take too terribly long.  So we decided to go to Old Spaghetti Factory. 

Now a little background on Old Spaghetti Factory and me.  I used to live pretty close to Old Spaghetti Factory.  I would go in, get two meals to go, go home, binge and purge.  So I was pretty nervous about our stop there last night.  I told myself that if I just didn't have the two meals I usually got in the past it would be okay.

We got there, got a cozy little table in the bar overlooking the river and got a glass of wine.  Then the waitress brought the menu.  I poured over that menu and guess what - the only thing that sounded good was one of the meals I used to get for those binges.

So I went for it.  I had a piece of bread, my salad, and enjoyed my pasta until I was full.  Even had a bit of spumoni afterward.  And the best part, I was able to focus on my husband at date night instead of stressing about going to a public restroom to purge.  If I can do that, I can do anything!  Back on track for two days now!

Back on Track

Calling it an early night.  Busy day with my business tomorrow.  Thanks for all of your prayers. :)

Recommited

It has been a better day but I'm still feeling really overwhelmed with all of the stuff I have going on.  My job, my side business, and my family all seem to want a piece of me.  My husband volunteers to help but then magically disappears when the house needs to be cleaned or I need him to watch our son.  LOL - guess I should not be surprised by this after eight years.  I almost have the house cleaned and my little guy should be up from him nap soon for an evening of play. 

So tonight I have to recommit myself during the hard times.  Around 8pm is my major struggle.  If I make it until 9:30pm I'm in the clear.  It's only an hour and a half.  It isn't that long.  But when I want so bad to purge it feels like eternity.  When I first started running, I used to say to myself, "I can do anything for x minutes" to get to the end.  Probably a good thing to use tonight.

Challenges

Today was full of tough challenges.  Weird business rejection (maybe - still not sure what it was), awkward cocktail party, conversation with my dad trying too hard.  Again I found myself not being able to cope.  So that is night two of failure.  This sucks!!!!!!  I have to regain strength.  I am still learning so much about myself in recovery that is unexpected.  I didn't think that stopping purging would lead me back to these body image issues that seemed so healed from past treatments.  They are still alive and well and just well hidden by managing fear through restricting and purging.  Wow - that is hard to come back to after all of these years.  Tomorrow I just need some down time.  I need to feel okay about not being able to do it all.  And I need some peace.  To a fresh start tomorrow.

Emotions

So after Easter Sunday I realized that it felt good to feel angry and let it out.  But today I am just down.  It's not really sadness but just a general depression.  I don't really like this emotion at all.  I am just wanting it to pass.  Is this normal?  I don't know.  But the blah feeling is not favorite. 

This Morning

I feel awful this morning.  I feel beaten and broken.  I physically feel like crap.  Last night I think what triggered me was a sense of being overwhelmed.  Like there is too much to do and I don't have the hours in the day to get it all done.  Today, I just need to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.  To really practice being present in the moment and not worrying about the massive to-do list. I need to keep telling myself that this is a setback but not the end.

Discouraged

So tonight, I just couldn't pull it off.  So sad.  I have always been so all or nothing about recovery that I know I will want to give up come tomorrow.  But I know that is not how it works.  I have to be willing to put up the fight to succeed tomorrow.  I may have many more downfalls or just a few but if I can't pick myself up and move on I will never be 100% better. 

Blah - Bloated

I woke up this morning just totally feeling bloated.  And for me bloated=fat=bad=I could go on and on here.  I know that this is normal.  This is kind of what bodies do.  Normal bodies.  People who eat healthy meals and don't purge are going to get bloated occasionally right?  But this line of thinking has never worked for me.

As I sat down to right this post my husband's computer in the background was playing Nickel Creek's "The Hand Song".  Okay, I probably sound totally obsessed with Nickel Creek but I swear I'm not.  Just total coincidence.  Part of the chorus says "He was showing his love and that's how he hurt his hands."  It just reminded me that this body (as much as it upsets me and frustrates me at times) is just flesh.  Jesus died and gave up his earthly body and someday I won't have to deal with my flesh anymore either. 

Wow.  I need a break after that deep kind of stuff.  Here's to day 7 of no purging.  I haven't made it this long since 2004 I think. 

Life Changing Emotions

Just read a really powerful article by Jim Rohn call The Four Emotions That Can Lead to Life Change.  It's pretty short so read it if you have a chance.  Here's what really hit me about each emotion in relation to where I am at now:

1) Disgust - I've decided I'm not going to live like this anymore! 
2) Decision - "Conflicting armies of emotions, each with its own arsenal of reasons, battle each other for supremacy of our minds."  I've decided after all of these years to go with the emotions that say no to my eating disorder.
3) Desire - "Don’t erect a wall to protect you from experiencing life. The same wall that keeps out your disappointment also keeps out the sunlight of enriching experiences."  My eating disorder has kept me safe from pain but it has dulled the thrill of life.  I want the to feel the positive emotions to the fullest again!
4) Resolve - "Promise yourself you'll never give up."  This is it, I'm doing it this time.  I'm going to recover!

Hunger Cues

I remember in an outpatient program that I did years ago they always said "notice your hunger cues" and made a big deal out of how our bodies get confused by restricting, binging, and purging.  So hunger cues scare me.  I don't like to eat a meal and then still be hungry.  I caught myself yesterday and realized that I ate way too small of a lunch and had a snack.  But I struggle to tell myself that it is okay.  I know way too much about nutrition and calories and all of that.  But I have never dealt with acknowledging that it is okay for me to be nourished.  And being full is sooooo hard.  I know I have to retrain my body and this takes time.  But in the meantime, it takes a lot of energy to handle!

Better Now

This morning I am in a much better place.  Things have cooled down.  I didn't realize how hard this would all be.  I have really been relying on my eating disorder to deal with the anger and the pain that I feel.  It is hard to just let it all out.  I feel so vulnerable.  But I know that is what "normal" people do.  It is a big shift in my thinking. 

Exhausted

Yesterday was a disaster.  So glad it is over.  I ended up kicking my family out of my house.  Aargh.  I just can't go through this journey with the constant verbal jabs that everyone makes at each other.  It is just old.  And then to deal with my stupid anorexic sister-in-law who has never admitted that she has any sort of problem and spends the whole afternoon talking about eating and what size clothes she wears.  I just can't.  Think I am done with family stuff for a looong time.

Happy Easter!

As a Christian, Easter is probably the most special holiday.  I love that we all get to go to church and revel in the fact that God sent his son to die for our sins.  He loves us so much!

With an eating disorder Easter becomes one of the days that I hate the most along with Christmas, Thanksgiving, and often the Fourth of July.  Why do family gatherings have to center around food?!  Family=trigger.  Massive, multiple meals=trigger. 

So here's how I expect today to go:
1)  Have breakfast at home and watch my toddler get his first Easter basket
2)  Go to church and feel revitalized
3)  Drive for an hour and a half to my husband's parents house
4)  Have massive meal number one which will probably consist of foods I don't like
5)  Drive for an hour and a half home
6)  Make a meal for my family (less massive and healthier because I am in charge of it)
7)  Listen to my mom and my brother-in-law verbally jab at each other
8)  Send everyone on their way and try to decompress

Here goes!  At least I am working at home tomorrow and will have some peace and quiet!

Oh Boy.

Tonight was tough.  I have managed to make it through but it was tough.  This is seriously taking every fiber of my being to pull through.  I really just had to keep myself busy to get through it.  Fortunately, I have plenty of homework for my eating disorder support group to keep me busy.  After two hours, I finally felt able to let down my guard.  I really hope this will get easier as time goes on.  I have relied so much on my eating disorder for so long to deal with all of my stress.  I feel like I am rewiring my brain.

The Best Part

Being able to end the day putting a bunch of product on my face simply because I have time and energy. :)  Dorky, I know.

On to Day Two

So day one went okay.  A little rough towards the end but I stuck it out.  Right now, I'm making dinner and praying that day two will go as easily as day one did.  My motivation hasn't been this high in a long time but I am cautiously optimistic about that.  I'm been caught off guard when I felt great and failed miserably.  But for now my hope remains. :)

Today's the Day

This morning I woke up immediately realizing what today is.  That is not like me at all.  I usually get ready, get some coffee, drive to work, and sometimes get to work before I realize the significance of any given day.  But today stands to be the most important day in my life.  This is the end of an 18-year relationship.  It's hard to let go.  But I know I have to do this to move on and get what I want out of this life.  So here goes.  I'm jumping in with both feet!

My Goodbye Letter to ED

ED,

You showed up when I was nine years old. Just a quiet voice in the back of my head. You told me I was fat and I believed you. You told me that others wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t perfect and I believed you. Just a constant quiet reminder.

Then you got louder. You told me I needed to start dieting. You told me that I needed to be thin and beautiful. You told me that no one would love me if I wasn’t. You told me that I needed to be adored by men. You told me that I needed to be in control.

And then the day came that you took control. I handed it over to you and purged. And I have never gotten control back.

I know I am supposed to be thankful for what you have done for me. You have given me a release from the stress of life that I couldn’t control. You have held my hand and helped me get through life in a totally dysfunctional home.

But what you took from me was so much more than that. You have made me feel like I can’t make friends. That no one will like me for me without you behind the scenes. You make me feel scared about trying new things. You have interrupted my life with my husband. You separate me from God. You steal my time, my thoughts, and my energy. You tell me I can’t succeed. You tell me to be afraid wherever I go.

Now I’m tired. I’m too old and tired for you. It’s time for me to move on. I need to have friends that I don’t have to keep this monstrous secret from. I need my husband. I need a relationship with the Lord without the sin you bring. I need time. I need peace. I need energy.

You can see that you bring none of the things that I need. You bring the opposite of what I need. I can’t keep letting you get in the way of ME. I am still in here. You can’t have this body anymore. It’s not yours. You need to go.

RS

A Little Bit About Me

I am in my early thirties and have been battling an eating disorder for almost 20 years.  I had a stint in an outpatient program eight years ago.  Nothing has been enough for me to want to give this up.  Not my family growing up, not my husband, not my baby, nothing.  But something inside of me has longed for change.  I haven't wanted to live like this.

About a year ago, I started counseling again.  I started working through most of the things that were holding me back from recovery.  And after a lot of work and tears and frustration I feel like I am ready to let go of this eating disorder and move on once and for all.  Working through a goal setting program, I put a date on it.  As of tomorrow, April 1, 2010, I want to be symptom-free.  I am so ready for this but it will be difficult because I have been purging daily for months with only a few short breaks.

The title of the blog comes from the Nickel Creek song "Green and Grey".  I can relate so much to the "Green" character in the song.  Pleasing everyone, appearing fine on the outside, but struggling in private.  And I have been the "Grey" character in the song too.  Not showing emotion to those around me.  The truth is, neither side is healthy or were I want to be.  I want to find the middle ground.  To be me without fear.

So as I move forward in this journey, I invite you to follow me.  I welcome advice from those who have come before me, support from those who are walking this journey with me, and hope for those who want to come down this path but are afraid to make the leap.